Random Spike

"Pigeons"
Tis due to pigeons
That alight
On Nelson's hat
That makes it white.

"The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled... Twit"
"Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy."
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy"
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex. "
"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
"I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."
"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."
"Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant"
"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. "
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
"I'm having difficulty getting the doctors around here to sign the appropriate form.
on seeking permission to celebrate 80th birthday with 12,000 ft skydive "
"Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard. "
"I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists."

"I told you I was ill!"


Spike Milligan, Official Leg-End